hey everyone, happy Halloween for those of you who enjoy the holiday. in my experience of working retail on holidays for three years, I have come to hate nearly every single one, though I try my best to pretend that it all doesn't suck. plus, Halloween is the perfect night for sickos to give out poisoned candy or homemade treats with razorblades inside them, and the perfect night to slaughter poor, helpless black cats because of a stupid superstition. yes, it's a great night.
"Reitanna, you're being a super Debbie downer."
I've been extremely depressed and unhappy for like... a week or two? maybe more? well, more than usual. I suppose it's stress, what with the fear that I won't be able to get ahold of my doctor because his lovely blonde secretary, summer doesn't think that when I say it's important for him to call me, it's not important at all, and I won't be able to get my meds refilled and i'll get physically ill as well as even more emotionally shot. but I also have been stressing myself over the usual: giving myself so much to do that I feel too obligated to finish it and I feel that if I don't finish it, I'm a failure to myself. bully! I blame you, Annatier.
"oh no, Reitanna blames me, what EVER will I do with myself?"
but you know what's go me the most stressed? it's something I've DREAMED of for years, something that I know I should be ecstatic about! but in my current state of mind, it's driving my stress level up the fucking wall! I am, at the exact moment I'm typing this sentence, at 9,999 youtube subscribers. 10,000 is THE number, yo, it's THE number young youtubers are always waiting for. THAT'S when it really kicks off. but coming to 10,000 subs reminds me that I need to do more for the channel because, since I got partnered about a month ago and am now getting paid for this, this is my job. there are so many things I want to do, like bring back weekly videos, chester and Frederick, and overall do more. I need to finish the "Reitanna is dead" cartoon that I started after that old "happy mother's day" cartoon, and I also need to make my new "subscribe" trailer for my channel that I've been wanting to do! and then there's narrations I need to do, and just all this stuff...
I guess my issue is, for one, I don't think I have enough self confidence to get pretty every week for a video because of my facial scars, thin hair, half missing eyelashes, baggy eyes, and... well, fat. then there's the fact that I take a LOT of time and care to edit my videos. a video that ends up being a half an hour can take between ten and twenty hours of editing depending on what it is, not to mention how much time it takes to get a narration edited and ready for posting. I think I expect too much of myself, or maybe I want to impress both myself and other people. I want to feel like I accomplished something in my shitty life. and then the writer in me has like 5 stories of different types in progress, and countless others in idea form! then there's all my drawings, and the fact that I promised a page of PWF after submitting bab's story, but I don't feel babs' story is "perfect" enough to post quite yet, and I feel the only way to determine that is to record the draft narration because I catch typos and errors more easily when reading it out loud, but I also want to narrate "power snuffed--"
what do I do? I LITERALLY don't know how to relax. I know that seems impossible and hard to understand, but there is no "try meditation" for me. there is no way to actually get myself to stop worrying. I guarantee, if you suggest something, I've tried it for years and had no true effect. hobbies are supposed to be there to relax you, but my hobbies have become some sort of complicated monster that is misunderstood and wants to win the approval of its creator and peers. as a child, I endured "kara, you'll never amount to anything" from family, friends, enemies, strangers, teachers, and myself. then again, I STILL endure that from myself, which is probably part of my problem. so, even though I've had so many personal successes in my past, and am hitting a very long awaited one, am I still afraid that I'm going to be a failure? I've done more in my 24 years of living than both of my sad excuse for parents have done in their entire lives, and GOD I'd love to take it all, roll it into a compact ball, and thrust it so hard into their faces, their skulls fracture. but no, instead, I'm taking it all and shoving my own face into it, trying to fracture MY skull, because if I don't, then it'll all be for nothing.
good things should not make you stress, should not make you cry, should not make you want to give up. it's funny how some things happen, though. just a few days ago, I thought, "maybe I should make life easier on myself and just erase my internet life." then I got a comment on a "muffins" video from a random person that said, "do yourself and all of your fans a favor, DON'T LEAVE YOUTUBE." I never even VOICED the thought of leaving to anyone, not even mike (who is very proud of me for my success). so how could this person have known? well, they didn't, but it shows that people DO want me to keep doing the things I love, even though the things I love are taking more energy from me than I should let them.
but why? why are these things, drawing, writing, reading, making videos, et cetera, making me feel BAD? these are things I LOVE to do, and have always loved. in no way would I truly want to give them up, but why are they stretching my already short stress levels to above their max? why have I NEVER been able to just tell myself to chill? and why the FUCK am I still subconsciously fighting for my own goddamn approval? if I were to die tomorrow, would I die feeling like I accomplished something in my life? would I be able to sit there in the afterlife, smile, nod my head and say, "yeah, I did well." or would I spend the rest of eternity dwelling on what could've been accomplished but wasn't? why can't I be proud of myself?
"you know the answer to that."
yeah, I do, and it makes me hate myself more. you see, when my reputation on the internet began to grow surprisingly fast, I, just like everyone else in the world, had to deal with stupid people who like to hark on others for multiple reasons: jealousy, spite, self-hatred, unhappiness, stupidity, or maybe they just love to be mean. and so I was trolled. big whoop, what's new? it's the internet? and am I really gonna take a couple of insults to heart when hundreds of others got my back? well, it depends on what was said. "you're a stupid bitch" can irk me, it could irk anyone, but it doesn't weigh on my psyche. "you're fucking ugly" definitely gets me, even though I have so many people tell me the opposite on a daily basis. "you're a faggot." well, though it's not a nice way to put it, I can't exactly say I'm not, ya know? no, what affects me to the point where I actually torture myself mentally and emotionally is when I am accused of being either self centered or dishonest.
people tell me I'm pretty, cute, and sometimes sexy (mostly from mike of course), and MANY of you have heard and seen me argue against the compliments. why? because I've been conditioned to believe that if I admit in any way that I am good looking, I am self centered and vain. WHY? because I've been accused of thinking I'm better than everyone else. WHY?? because I tried to fix my self consciousness in the first place. I've ALWAYS thought I wasn't pretty enough, but as soon as I try to make myself feel better, as SOON as I try to believe that I am NOT ugly, I get attacked. and yes, the number of people spewing delicious shit out of their mouths is MINISCULE compared to the number of people showing me kindness, it's that fear that makes that shit sink in and never fucking leave because it stinks so goddamn bad. why do you think I don't get pretty anymore? why do you think I don't practice self portrait photography anymore? it's because I'm not allowed to. if I do, I'm vain. I think I'm the shit, I think I'm super special, and I think that all y'all gotta bow down to the almighty Reitanna seishin. you think I'm over exaggerating? no, these are things that idiots HAVE said to me. and try as I might to ignore them, my mentality cannot handle something like that. why? because it's in my nature to prove people wrong when I know for a fact they are wrong. if there's a hint of doubt, then I don't fight until I know what's right, but when someone accuses me of being something I'm not, it seriously has a huge toll on me.
"what does that have to do with 10,000 subs, or even your hobbies?"
well, I suppose it's just the fact that I'm scared of not being good enough, and that if I AM good enough, it'll make me a bad person in the eyes of others. ONE tiny mistake, ONE tiny mishap, and I'll be just another low life to descend from my family tree. the only thing I literally pride myself in is my honesty, but does honesty give you a pretty face? does honesty heal those self inflicted scabs and grow back the hairs you pulled? does honesty make you lose the weight you've gained? does honesty cure your mental instability? sadly, no. honesty protects you from self guilt, keeps you out of trouble, helps you keep the trust of others. while this is all good, it doesn't fix everything. I wouldn't give up my code of honor though, not for the prettiest face and sexiest body in the world. still, I wish I could get my self confidence back. I wish I could just shut Annatier up long enough to just ENJOY the things I'm supposed to enjoy. I wish I could look at my projects with pride instead of feeling strain.
"you talk too much."
I guess I just am looking for a reason to see the bright side of all this, a reason to stop treating myself like a machine that I'm trying to overclock. I'm fighting a battle with myself that shouldn't be fought, one that can't be won, but can definitely be lost. I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to reach everyone's expectations, especially my own. why do I want to even meet my own expectations? they're not supposed to be this high!
then I sigh and look at my rats' cage to see them sleeping in their house, and I can't help but be jealous that they have nothing to worry about.
anyway, I guess what I'm looking for is... what do YOU do when you feel this way?
I'm gonna go stick a "no candy" sign on my door so I don't get trick or treaters, and then go back to doing everything I just got done complaining about.
maybe it wouldn't be so bad if my birthday wasn't a little over a week away.
Playing: pokemon y