i had this really good idea for a story whilst trying to get to sleep. i've developed insomnia, so i now have to take sleeping pills, which aren't working very well. they KEEP me asleep, but it still takes me forever to finally drift off. before i started taking it, i couldn't sleep until 5 am. i don't wanna take melatonin because it gives me more nightmares than i already have. i have nightmares nearly every other night, and i don't want to increase that.
anyway, i don't wanna tell you the story line, cause i dunno when i'll even start it, especially with PWF going on. the blonde one's name is nathanael (changed the spelling) and the dark haired one's name is damian. some people may already be able to guess the jist (gist?) of it though.
i'm PLANNING on finally starting the next page of PWF. the last few days i've felt sick, then i was cuddling with my rats, watching movies, and writing and recording music. and my head hurts. actually, the morning after i fell asleep at 5 am, i woke up with such a bad headache that, when i sat up, my nose started bleeding like mad.
and i go back to work sunday. i'm terrified of that manager who caused my meltdown so that i had to go on disability leave and into therapy. i AM excited to see all my regular customers though. they're gonna be glad to see their "rainbow girl" as they call me. but my therapist told my boss i need to ease back into working. it's for the best i believe. i just hope i can regain a suitable level of energy before i go. i jest need to learn how to relax. but it's almost impossible. maybe that's why i have headaches.
oh, and to anyone who took my dr. who stamp as an insult, please think about the point i'm trying to make. I DO NOT HATE PEOPLE WHO LIKE THE SHOW! a very great number of my best friends like it, and i like things that many of my friends don't. ever watched shows like family guy, american dad, robot chicken, futurama, southpark, the simpsons, etc? if we got butt hurt every time they made fun of something we don't like, their ratings would drop significantly. people need to learn how to chill out and respect opinions. this is why people are afraid to be individual, afraid to speak out for themselves, and afraid to support those who are "different." while we also shouldn't insult eachother, that is more of a reason to get upset, but over something like this... i love you guys, and most of you have NOT made a big deal out of it, and in fact have relayed to me their respect, which is a step to keeping our society from losing touch with itself. we're so close. "And thus we seek to correct not the symptom but the disease itself. We have sought to shrug off individuality, replacing it with conformity. Replacing it... with sameness... with unity, allowing each man, woman, and child in this great society to lead identical lives." for those of you in school, next time a teacher asks a question, look around and count how many people raise their hands. chances are, only a few. it's not that the others don't know the answer, it's that they're afraid someone will laugh at them for speaking out.
victims of bullies know this, as i was a victim too. the strength it takes to walk with our head down while enduring jeers and insults... well, those who victimize have no idea the amount of strength that takes. they're too drowned in their "pride," when in reality it's not pride. it's weakness. those who make fun of and torture others are miserable on the inside and refuse to deal with their problems themselves. they have caused a few of us to commit suicide and cause much grief among our friends and family. we secretly see ourselves doing horrible things to our predators, but those of us with common sense know better not to act upon our fantasies.
so, for those of you who are victims, know you are strong, stronger than anyone may think. don't give up being the person YOU are. don't dress a certain way just to be popular, and know that, if you're teased for it, they're just a slave to our dying society.
for those of you who are bullies, go ahead and throw anything you can at me. i've heard it all before. death threats, violence, and a combination of the two. crying out to teachers for help when kids throw books at you, or pens and pencils. getting detention because a fellow student tried to choke you, and you had to bite him to get away. to fear sharp objects near your throat for life because your brother's friend threatened you with a sickle. (sp?) i've heard every single thing you could possibly say. and it makes you weak. i've endured things you couldn't even imagine, and so have those who have endured your torment. ask victims to share their horror stories, and they'll tell you things that'd shock you so bad, you'll be surprised it wasn't a criminal that did it to them. but bullying should be a crime.
when is it going to far? recently, a boy about 12 i think, was beaten to death by others who teased him, who felt that that boy shouldn't live because he's "different." we may be different, but we all bleed red. and think about it; do YOU really want us to be the same?
sorry, i went on a rant. i am angry. anyway, i really love those of you who support me and respect me, even though i've expressed certain things about ZADR and yaoi i don't agree with. it's you guys who can fuel the world with your strength. don't give up, and don't stoop to their level. hold up a mirror. the front of the mirror reflects all that shit back at those who've thrown it, and the back of the mirror is a sheild to keep any more shit away. don't give up, don't give up on life, cause even though you feel like it sometimes, there ARE people who love you, and there ARE people who would be sorry to see you go. suicide is selfish. this is why i need to keep "annatier" locked away.
i've given up on my insurance. i'm sick of beuracracy (sp??) and am just paying for my meds out of pocket. why can't the government make these things easier?
anyway, i'm gonna go chill for a bit. i'm all worked up now. remember...