I died a week ago. My house caught on fire due to a gas leak, and I unfortunately didn't make it. My family is devastated, but they're always praying to God that I'm happy. Well, they've got it half right.
I don't know what Heaven is like because... well, I didn't end up there. Frankly, everything is a sin, so in retrospect, only babies who meet their early end go to Heaven cause they didn't get a chance to sin. But you know, I've cursed, I've had premaridal sex, I've masturbated, I've lied, and I've... well, stolen from my mom's purse. So... here I am. In Hell.
I'm not sorry though. Turns out, our idea of Hell was all wrong. It's not firey, souls aren't being tortured for all eternity... and don't get me started on Satan. He's the most chill dude I've ever met. And boy is he attractive. He's tall, thin, has black hair slicked back into a small ponytail, and he wears a simple black t-shirt with scarlet skinny jeans! He even wears freakin' Airwalks!
Oho man, Hell has got to be the most fantastic place to ever exist. Each soul lives in their own little house, and they're very nice looking on the outside. But oh... on the inside, it's WAY bigger than the house looks! And each house is designed to fit your personal fantasies!! I can eat as many sweets as I want without getting fat, I can imagine up anyone I want for a companion, and even have sex with them with no consequences! I have a library filled with books only I like, I have the BEST computer, my bed is so comfy I have no trouble sleeping, and I have so many pets that I don't have to worry about losing money to take care of them!
There are places to go to have fun also if you want to mingle outside of your home. This is just to give us that feeling we used to have when we were alive. Oh, and we all seem to understand each other despite speaking different languages. Every now and then, Satan will walk around and see how everyone is doing, making sure we're all happy. If there's a problem, he fixes it. If there's an argument, he's able to make peace between the souls who are having the quarrel. And he will sometimes perform on a stage for us, doing comedy routines, holding a concert, telling wonderful stories, or even just calling on people to answer any questions. He really gets to know us personally, and even knows our names and faces. Sometimes he'll even hold a talent show for those who want to show off!
Physical, mental, and emotional disorders are all gone. Blind people can see, deaf people can hear, people with depression were happy, people with Autism were no longer unable to "fit in," need I go on? There was no crime because there was no reason. We didn't have money, so we couldn't be robbed, we couldn't be killed, so there was no murder, you could have anyone you wanted, so there was no rape... and drugs? Ha, you can create any sort of "high" you wanted in your own home! Everything is so wonderful here.
Sometimes we have a couple souls that are kicked out of Heaven and sent down here. At first they're scared, but then see what a paradise it is and exclaim, "Heaven is a boot camp compared to this!" Apparently it's very strict up there. Whoo, I'm glad I was a sinner.
Well, if I had to die, at least I'm happy in the afterlife. My parents got their wish... they were just praying to the wrong savior.