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January 25, 2013



I'm dating this because I want to be able to look back on it in the future to see if anything has changed for better or for worse. I know there are a lot of you who don't know what's going on with me, or don't quite understand it, but that's why I'm writing this. Sometimes you'll ask yourself, "why did Reitanna say this?" or "why does Reitanna feel so down?" "What happened to Reitanna?" Well, I'm about to tell you in length what is going on. People who read this who have the same thing will understand completely. People with nothing like it will be confused and sort of scared. It's a natural feeling. But after everything, I'm not ashamed to admit that I have Manic Depressive Disorder.
Manic Depression and Bipolar Disorder are the same thing. However, I like to refer to it as Manic Depressive Disorder because a lot of times, people (including me) will use the word "bipolar" as a joke, like when I say, "the weather in Southern California is almost as bipolar as I am." When you say "Manic Depression," both words hit you, and it makes you go, "wait, WHAT?"
It's a very scary thing, and the scariest part is, we can't control it ourselves. It's just like any mental disorder from Down Syndrome and Autism to Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizophrenia. And you know what? All of us who are "retarded" or "psychotic" are misunderstood. And this isn't like some whiny little preteen going, "ermahgerd I'm soooooo misunderstood." No. This is different. We're bullied so far, that those of us with psychological disorders can break and do something horrible, whether it's to them or to ourselves. I'll get into that later.
What exactly is Manic Depression? Well, of course, I'm no doctor, nor have I taken psychology classes. But I know how it feels, and because of that, I can tell you what it's like better than a doctor who doesn't have the disorder can. I was diagnosed when I was twelve, but now that I'm an adult, I can look back and see early symptoms of it. Of course, I was a child, so how could a parent (especially ones like mine) know how to catch it?
Manic Depression is exactly what it sounds like in a nutshell; at some point you're manic, and some point you're depressed. "Oh my god, so what? You're depressed, get over it." This statement comes from the people who understand us the least; the bullies. You could be a person who's never bullied anyone in your entire life, but as soon as you say that to someone with a psychological disorder, you are a bully. Anyway, here's my own personal experiences.
What is "normal?" Well, we all have different definitions. What I consider normal is to have worries, but not dwell on them so much, and to be able to converse with people comfortably, and having the ability to love things and creatures alike. It's to have safe hobbies, a routine, a stable home... but you know what? When I'm unstable, I feel none of these things.
When I go manic, often times it doesn't seem abnormal to people at all. It just looks like I'm extremely happy and bouncy, maybe had too much sugar. But to others, it also appears like childish behavior and gets pretty annoying to some. It's overly euphoric, extremely energetic, and irrationally optimistic. Don't get me wrong, being positive isn't a bad thing, but at this extreme, it is. It causes us to be unrealistic, like... well, for example, I used to feel like I had otherwordly powers. I used to believe I could sense the kindness in someone just by walking passed them. I used to attempt to find if spirits and magic were real. I'd have fantasies that I heald onto like real dreams and goals. Sounds like a child wanting to learn to fly, huh? Well, this childish way of dreaming stayed with me my entire life so far.
There was a point in time when I was nineteen I had the longest manic episode I can remember. For about six months I was so "happy," so energetic, and so positive. I got up easily in the morning to go to beauty school, I laughed and was super productive, and whenever someone was sad, I was like, "why are you so depressing? Be happy all the time!" In fact, my video called "cheer up Thomas" was done during that episode. In a way, it's extremely scary because of how unrealistic my attitude was. But the scariest thing is when you plunge down on the opposite side of the spectrum.
I have a pretty severe case, which means I can go from manic to depressed so fast, you'll be shocked and wonder what on earth you did wrong. Truth is YOU didn't do anything. The smallest thing could happen to trigger it. When it happens, it's the most scary thing I've ever experienced, and probably a very disturbing thing for you to see.
Sometimes it's really subtle, like I'm just having a bad day. I feel down, watch my feet, it's hard to laugh or smile. Sometimes someone can pull me out of it, but most of the time I'll sink even further. If you see me go completely silent and/or stop everything I'm doing and just sit there staring at nothing, you know something's wrong and you know you have to get me to take my medicine. If I don't get my meds, I can have a breakdown. Now, I'm not so sure exactly what happens, but people have told me, Mike being the most recent person who witnesses them, and he says I became a different person. That's when Annatier was born.
So, when I breakdown, I'm like a hysteric child. I rip out my hair, I mutilate myself with my nails, teeth, or anything I can find nearby that could cut the skin, I scream about things in my past, mostly though, "why didn't mommy love me?" or something along those lines. Before Sempai and I became friends again, there was also "I've lost my sister and it's all my fault!" Everything is my fault when I'm depressed, whether it's small or when I panic. I'm not necessarily a danger to others, but I WILL fight if I'm restrained. And I DO have to be restrained. This is why I can't live alone for my own safety; I need to be monitored.
But if I'm not having a breakdown, I give up on EVERYTHING. No motivation, no energy, and constantly crying. I'll stay in bed all day, listening to my thoughts. I don't hear voices, but my thoughts are as good as a different voice. It's constantly telling me what I've done wrong, who's upset me, all the bullies, all the bad situation, and it keeps telling me how worthless I am and that I should kill myself. I can't control them. It's like I can't get a word in edgewise because its talking too fast. Mike experiences this more than anyone, and he tells me not to listen, but sometimes I can't pull away from them. I can't even look at him, like I'm stuck or something.
Another bad thing is that I say mean things to people I don't mean. I'm already a Scorpio, so that doesn't help. I'm a ranter, but if I'm not stable, my rants will be hostile and threatening. I've gotten a lot of rep for being a heartless person this way, but in truth, I don't consider that me the real me. That's "Annatier," whether I'm manic or otherwise.
It'd waste my medication if I took it at night when I go to sleep. But then my thoughts have nowhere to go, no way to get out. So what's the result? 80% of the time I'm asleep and remember my dreams, they're nightmares. I have such startling nightmares, I'll wake up, unable to get back to sleep, I'll cry about them, and I'll dwell on them all day. I'm relieved when I DON'T have nightmares... but when I don't, they're absolutely absurd dreams.
Back to bullies. If you like to pick on people for reasons such as I have explained or similar, you are KILLING that person. Over dramatic? Yea, you'd think that. People who have psychological disorders are VERY prone to suicidal tendancies, especially people with Manic Depression. If you tell us we're worthless or stupid, we'll believe it. And guess what? You could kill them, and you wouldn't even know why. They'd kill themselves because their mind went haywire.
Think of the brain like a machine. It's built to be very complicated and perform many functions. There are wires and gears, and censors that tells it what it needs to do or react to. However, not all machines fuction correctly. Some accidentally are wired incorrectly, or their gears turn in the opposite directions. Maybe some censors are faulty, or don't even work at all. Maybe, just maybe, the defective machine goes into hyperdrive and eventually melts down and destroys itself. That's us. Our brains are wired differently, and we see the world as an evil place, and everyone is evil. All those people are dumb and insignificant compared to us, but at the same time, we're not good enough to accompany them in this world. We don't belong, so we make ourselves go away. We think no one loves us because we focus on those who loath us. We don't think twice about the lives we'll ruin by killing ourselves.
I've tried to kill myself multiple times. Less than some, I'm sure. One of the biggest ones was when I was eighteen. I have a habit of banging my head against a wall when I breakdown, and this time, I tried to hit my temple against the wall, forcefully and repeatedly, hoping to die. However, I woke up. No one knew at the time. I told Sempai later, and just a week ago, I told my grandmother, who I had lived with at the time. But I didn't get away with the action; I may have survived, but I suffer from short term memory loss.
Most of the year of being eighteen, I can't recall, or I think things happened at a completely different time. My memory HAS been getting better, and I can remember things from when I was a young child VIVIDLY, but I have trouble taken in certain amounts of new information. I can't learn songs as fast as I used to, and I can't remember if something I said to someone was in a dream or not. I'll forget what happened in the morning or the day before. Sometimes there are periods of time where actions go blank. Something could happen a week ago, and I'd think it only happened yesterday.
The thing that scared me most was when I was at Sempai's house. I don't remember, but I think I was nineteen. She had a ring tied to the string hanging from her ceiling fan. I said, "that's pretty, where'd you get it?" She looked at me with a sort of shocked look and said, "you gave that to me for my eighteenth birthday." I'm sure she remembers this. But that's when I went, "okay, this is scary. What the fuck did I do to myself?"
My most recent attempt didn't do any damage because Mike stopped me. I was silent, and he was trying to talk to me, and I stood up, grabbed a knife, and he ran in and grabbed my wrists, forcing me to drop it. There have been times when he had to force my medication down my throat, and/or call someone to come watch me until they kicked in. In my right mind, I'm glad he saves me from myself; I don't want to die, I really don't. But when I'm breaking down, everyone is evil because they won't LET me die. They won't let me escape from the pain.
Like I said, I look back and pick out times when I showed early symptoms. The woman who gave birth to me, Erin, also noticed, but wasn't smart enough to figure it out. She'd tell her friends, "she'll go to her room sobbing into hysterics, and five minutes later, she'll be back out here and happy as if nothing ever happened." I remember once I was crying in my room for like a half an hour, and I came out and asked Erin, "can I not be grounded anymore?" She looked confused and said, "I didn't ground you." I also remember waking up in the middle of the night, sobbing, and I knocked on Erin's door. She opened it and I said, "where's my mom?" Again, confused, she told me, "I am your mom."
I used to draw pictures of people I hate in my journal covered in blood and dying. There'd be needles in their eyes, their stomaches cut open, and their lips sewn shut. I don't think anyone ever knew this, and I wish I could find these old journals. I'd like to take a look at my childhood self and analyze her. Maybe there's something in my grandma's attic.
Later, they tried to put me on Prozac. Guess what, that made it worse, as it's known to. So for eight fuckin years, I was terrified of medication, and it did a lot of damage. Finally, when I was twenty, things got so bad, I decided to get medication myself. I saw a psychiatrist that knew what he was doing, and he set me up. I started feeling normal. Eventually, over the next two years, I had dossages increased and medications added. I'm now on one ant-psychotic and two anti-depressants. People say medication isn't the answer. For manic depression, it is, unless you want to harm yourself, and harm everyone who loves you in return. I'd be dead if it wasn't for my meds, and everyday I know what it's like to feel normal.
I take my first dose around 10:00, and my second around 6:00. Now, if I'm sad, it's rare for me to cry. IF I cry, it's silent tears that don't last long, instead of sobbing that could go on for hours. If I'm mad, I can actually take a deep breath and shove it asside. And if I'm happy, I am the nicest, most pleasant person to be around. I don't feel shy or awkward. I feel confident to start a conversation with a complete stranger, unafraid that I'll say something stupid. I can make jokes that are actually FUNNY, and I can make people smile. Of course I'm crazy anyway, so I have fun with friends, but it's controlled and MUCH less childish. It's not so obnoxious and annoying, but something that would make people laugh and want to join in. It tells people, "that girl enjoys her life."
I do enjoy my life. Everything's great! I have a job, I have caring friends who have stood by me despite what I've put them through, I have hobbies that I thoroughly enjoy, and I have confidence on the internet, enought to let most negative comments not bother me. I feel like I can actually finish projects I've started, and instead of quitting and shutting down if I mess up, I fix it. My energy levels are still low, but that may be that I get too much sleep. Still, now that I know what it feels like to feel normal, I don't EVER want to go back.
If you feel like you have the same feelings as me, don't self diagnose yourself. Get help immediately. Go see a psychiatrist to diagnose you. Don't listen to anyone opposed to medication. If you're Manic Depressive, it's crucial you get help, or else you can do serious harm to yourself. Therapy is not for everyone, though, so make that decision based on your feelings. But whether or not you have Manic Depression, if you feel suicidal or self hatred, get help. Don't keep it bottled up, and don't be scared. You only have one life, and you don't want to waste that.
I hope this helped people understand more about what's going on in my head, as well as others who are Bipolar. I'm sort of tempted to make a video while I'm off my meds to see what happens, but I'm scared. I dunno. I'll think about it. But now that you have the knowlege, you can understand those you know and love who have the same thing. And remember, don't EVER pick on someone; you never know what's going on in their head.
i thought i'd explain more about why i'm so hard to figure out sometimes. it's important to read this.
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:icongirismyinspiration:
GIRismyinspiration Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Idk if this is a symptom cuz I'm not depressed or anything but I have a bunch of voices in my head and I talk to myself a lot. They aren't bad voices but ik it's not normal. I'm kinda like dib! :)
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:iconreitanna-seishin:
Reitanna-Seishin Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
everyone talks to themselves, but if those voice are indeed separate voices, you MAY want to see someone. unless you're not worried about it. if they're not telling you to do somethin bad, i say you have nothing to worry about
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:icongirismyinspiration:
GIRismyinspiration Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Cool.
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:icongirismyinspiration:
GIRismyinspiration Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Even though I don't have that I completely understand because my uncle is bipolar. I know you might not be able to control it sometimes but please don't try to kill yourself! I haven't met you and have talked to you only a little bit but just by that small bit I can tell that you are a talented, amazing, creatively insane, (that's a good thing in my opinion) awesome, artistic person and I don't want you to waste that. You make amazing artwork and are an amazing writer too. If you need to talk to someone just shoot me a note, ok? I might be able to help just a little. :) :heart:
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:iconreitanna-seishin:
Reitanna-Seishin Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
i'm doin my best :3
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:icongirismyinspiration:
GIRismyinspiration Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Ik u are. DON'T LET ANNATEIR ESCAPE!!!!!!!
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:iconmagikarpwn:
MagikarPWN Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Student Writer
I can understand this in many ways.
I've tried to kill myself too. I've held a knife to my throat, my wrists, a bucket of bleach to my lips, and I downed 22 aspirin just last week. Obviously it didn't work.
I've been cutting since December '11. Stress got to me, and the school sent me to a mental hospital. Illegally, of course.
I switched to a new school, and the other one was MUCH better. I've been caught by this school for suicide related problems 3 times, the most recent being last Friday.
1st time my friends told on me that I was cutting, and they didn't let me go back to school until I "talked" to someone. Now I see a therapist every Tuesday, and I'm due to see a psychiatrist on the 14th. And this is why I bloody hate Tuesdays.
I don't need help. I don't need to talk to someone. I don't WANT to talk to someone. I'm a very keep-to-myself person. I trust my friends and one of my teachers more than I do my parents. And I fucking hate my assistant principal.
2nd time they (or rather just the counselor) lectured me on how 'people care' and other shit like that. I was also in the office that day because the fucking assistant principal took my iPod away, and it still remains with that bitch (well, I WAS showing hentai to my friends, don't ask why :XD: ).
3rd time it was because my poems were too depressive and they gave off a suicidal feel.
Like, seriously?
True, I wrote those poems when I downed the 11 aspirin and cut myself AGAIN. But, I said "They're just poems. With NO. MEANING," but they still sent me home, and I had to see my therapist again. And then the psychiatrist is going to diagnose me....
But, that same fucking school called my parents (or rather just the fucking vice principal) because I was reading 50 Shades of Grey. IT'S JUST A BOOK. I don't care about age appropriate bullshit, I read The Shining in 6th grade. So they allow me to read about murder and manslaughter in 6th grade, but they call my parents because I'm reading porn in 8th? True, 50 Shades is just porn, but, seriously?
And then my mood swings, my hostility, the voices and things I see, my own haunting thoughts, everything. I swear I wouldn't be surprised if I had a mental breakdown sometime soon.
Yes, I did say seeing and hearing things. I heard and saw these...things, which I've drawn. I've given them names and everything. They don't really tell me to cut myself or anything; they're just kind of there. They aren't imaginary friends; I had one I made when I was in 5th grade and I don;t see him anymore. These started appearing after my old school stuck me in the mental hospital. They just came and we talked about happy things, and I talked back. And when I AM cutting and they appear, they try to tell me to stop, but my conscious tells me to ignore, which I do.
The friends I see try to help, and when I don't see them, I hear them. Though not all the voices are theirs. Some of the other voices are the voices from my conscious and...well, they don't try to help. Nope.
yay super long rant
But you're very lucky to have friends you can go to for just about anything. My friends betrayed me, so I only have a VERY small group of friends and my favorite teacher (who I trust more than a lot of my best friends), and I trust them then I ever have/ever will my parents and best friend(s).
I just talk to my 'friends.' They try to help.
All of this kicked in after the mental hospital 'visit,' but it usually happens in my room or whenever I'm stressed. Then 'they' will come.
I give you my praise. I'll just sit here.
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:iconwindpools-art-hub:
WiNDPooLS-Art-Hub Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Filmographer
I feel pretty much the same...although my mood changes faster (I tend to start the day pretty well and then at the end I stop feeling happy completely).
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:iconreitanna-seishin:
Reitanna-Seishin Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
mine will go up and down about 3 times a day, maybe more depending how long i go without meds.
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:iconhiroshi1234:
hiroshi1234 Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I have to suffer with it as well Rei Thank you so much for speaking up about this. You always brighten moods :)
I have lost a lot of friends and no one wants to be my friend at school because of the changes in my moods but that's okay, they're just mean for making me feel bad about being bi polar but that's going off topic. Thanks for this wonderful post you are not alone we love you :3
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:iconreitanna-seishin:
Reitanna-Seishin Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
others don't understand what goes on in our minds. it's sorta unfair.
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:iconmusical-toaster:
Musical-toaster Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I understand your pain. A lot of mental illnesses run in my family, so I've always been scared that I might have gotten one. Last year, April- the end of June, I was almost sure I'd received the chronic depression my mother had. That was one of the scariest times I've ever been through; looking back at all the things I felt durring that time period I realize I was really lucky that I was able to pull myself out of it.
I still believe that I might have some sort of mental illness because if I get pushed to far I got compleatly insane, like a mad hatter. A couple weeks ago I'd been going through a really hard time, I was constantly stressed and just a blob of anxiety. One day in particular was really terrible; that day when I came home, I'd forgotten to call my dad to tell him that I was at a friends house because we had a pep band preformance that night (my friend lives in town where school is, so it was easier to just go to her house, much funner too) so when I got home my dad had taken away the Internet cord and was acting all disappointed with me. I freaked out on him, or the part of me that isnt ration freaked out on him, I keep telling him I was sorry and kept making up excuses. Eventually I was texting my friend ranting to her and my dad walks behind me saying that I'd get that taken away too.
From here is where I had compleatly lost control. I screamed at my dad, being an extremly well-behaved kid Id never done anything that extreme before. My father, after yelling at me to calm down, when to bed.
When I knew he was up stairs and probably couldn't hear me, I ran in to the bathroom grabbed his toothbrush and threw it at the kitchen wall like you would throw a throwing knife. I threw his toothbrush three more times with as much force as I could.
From that, I walked back into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror for about a minute. I started laughing, at first I thought I could stop but I let myself keep unraveling because the unrational part of me was egeing me on. After about ten minutes of laughing/crying and scaring off my rational side I couldn't stop. I would try to stop, but when I did Id start hyperventilating. I laughed for about 40 minutes at that point I was loosing my voice and my throught was hurting. I started sobbing because of all the pent up stress and because I felt like I would be alone forever, I felt compleatly worthless and hopeless.
There's only one of my friends that knows about this because I called her right after I finished crying... I'm so gratefull that she's still my friend because when I called her I'd started laughing again. So she got kinda freaked out.
What makes me really angry is that I was laughing fairly loud and my dad never once came to see what my malfunction was. Along with the laughing I was screaming things like "how didn't people see I was crazy" and, "take me to a mental hospital" not once did he come help me.
(sorry about the super long story :/ )
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:iconnirasix:
NiraSix Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That was amazing, if I may say so. You're very lucky to have friends who helped you, but you are very brave yourself for having pulled through. You named that "side" of yourself, right? I know someone who does that and also shares some of those epidodes you talked about. But he doesn't hurt himself, as far as I know, and, even though he can't really shake anything of, he doesn't close up. It's like a soft version of what you described. He never represented a danger to himself or others, but he did scare the hell out of me, sometimes. He goes like "wonder if this hurts" and looks at me, like defying me to stop him, you know? And about that depression/euphoria, sometimes he doesn't feel like talking, but he answers perfectly fine when we talk to him, and his "euphoria" is never so intense as to pull him out of reality. So, I guess, he doesn't have any of that... But he is "crazy", really. When you get to know him, you are amazed by his intelect and, at the same time, he snaps from extremelly sad, looking down, to crazy happy, yelling, singing, annoying the shit out of us, and he gets so excited he does things in a flash, like he doesn't mesure consequences, and that makes you wonder, you know? I still think it's not that serious. Well, I hope it isn't. He's the first person to admit his "insanity" and to say "if I ever go full crazy, stop me".
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:iconreitanna-seishin:
Reitanna-Seishin Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
either he has something else, a mild case, or it has yet to get worse. most psychological disorders get worse as you get older.
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:iconnirasix:
NiraSix Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Right... Should I make him go see a doctor? Or just keep an eye on it?
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:iconreitanna-seishin:
Reitanna-Seishin Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
i'd say see a doctor anyway. if anyone is having any thoughts that seem sorta harmful, they need to see someone to see what can be done to help
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:iconnirasix:
NiraSix Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you :) For both the answers and that awesome text, really, thank you :)
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:iconkuratha:
kuratha Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013
i get really scared when my dad is mad cause he would get high and beat me when i was little, he doesnt hit me anymore (after child services were called three times...) but everytime my dad is the least bit upset i use my nails and scratch my arms till they bleed.. my stepsister tells me i start crying but i dont ever remember. i walk around feeling so guilty, but things will always get better i guess!
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:iconexileinvadercat:
exileinvadercat Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
wow. i used to have a few of these symptoms like wanting to kill or harm myself, bursting into tears and an hour later being happier than ever. I was then diagnosed with depression and adhd and now, possible anxiety. Luckily, i was given medication and it hasn't been as bad and i am on a 53millagram dose of Concerta and Celexa. I don't think that i have this though, my symptoms weren't as bad. as for you, you have to be an extremely strong soul. Im proud of you for getting through this, i really am. everyone who had mental disorders, no matter how small, knows that horrifying feeling. right now the only things i have to really have to worry about is my horrible habit of skipping meals, and the very seldom, but scary, fits where i actually feel like ive lost it. I really dont know how to describe it, but i get really happy and extremely angry at everyone around me. I start laughing like a maniac and continuously yell at others to shut up along with frantically whispering random crap to myself as i shake uncontrollably. im not sure what this is or what causes it, but like your manic depressive, its scary.
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:iconsupersaudrey:
SuperSaudrey Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I have to say this almost made me cry. keep hangin' in the Reitanna! i have depression myself so i kind of know what it's like. Always remember that your reitannites are here for you too.Stay strong Reitanna! <3 ya! :hug:
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:iconmscraycray:
MsCrayCray Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I have these symptoms....I..I'm not sure anymore. I'm scared of going to a doctor..
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:iconreitanna-seishin:
Reitanna-Seishin Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
don't be
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:iconmscraycray:
MsCrayCray Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I don't know why but I've always been scared of the doctor.....I'll try not to be
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:iconcrimsonwings149:
CrimsonWings149 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I want to say I understand, because in a way I do, and in a way, I dont. I have PMD (Psychotic Major Depression) with this I developed a voice in my head. I got Race (his name) when I just turned twelve. He always told me that I should be here, I'm just in the way of everything, so on and so forth. I kept him a secret for nearly four years because I was positive no one would believe me, he helped me out with this thought too. As I got older he grew with me. At first he was just a color in my mind when i shut my eyes. Blood red would splash against the back of my eyes like a bucket of water being throw against a glass wall. Then he got his voice and finally it felt as if he was sitting in my mind. It's very hard to explain this very well, but, it felt as if he had a chair he'd sit in and watch everything. Sometimes he'd pace or sit on my chest, then he's let me have it. After I finally got help, I was extremely depressed, cuts all over my legs, arms, stomach and breasts. I LOVED high school and it got to the point where I just laid and cried all day, I didn't want to go, I just wanted to stay in bed. I'd throw up from my severe anxiety that comes with PMD. Simple things 'normal' people would be excited about or never thought about scared the life out of me. Simple things like Graduating was horrifying because, in my mind now I was going to be all alone, friends would leave and never talk to me again because they didn't have to, I'd get kicked out of the house because I'd be wasting space, my sisters were going to grow up and I'd never see them again, my parents are going to die because of life moving on. Silly things right? Not to me. It was as scary as finding out you have an incurable terminal disease. And you're absolutely right about the bully thing. People would tell me; "Addie, just toughen up." "Stop crying over everything" "You're so over dramatic about things" And it really does hurt, because I thought it was true. I just wanted to crawl into a deep hole, never to bother anyone ever again. For years I struggled to stay happy (or at least "show" I was happy) But I'd cry over so many things, worry about simple things to the point I was overwhelmed and just wanted it all to end. But again, for the better, the anxiety scared me out of it. What if I killed myself and it's worse then what I'm feeling now? Will it be cold and dark and lonely? What happens? Is there a heaven or hell? Am I going to burn forever? Eventually, I got help from a psychiatrist, who after following my symptoms and trying out different meds finally knew what was wrong. I take a strong birth control to even out my erratic hormone levels and a powerful anti-depressant. I do feel better, I'm happy, not worrying as much, i have a job, a fiancee, great old and new friends, etc. So, in a way I do understand but since mine is different I dont completely.
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:iconkuratha:
kuratha Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013
I have at least twenty voices in my noggin, most of them are nice but i have a couple who say that i shouldnt be around. Reading what you wrote made me feel better.
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:iconcrimsonwings149:
CrimsonWings149 Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad :)
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:iconravencross666:
RavenCross666 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
;^; I wish there was some way to get rid of this ;^; I never thought there was a disorder that would do that to someone...
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:iconmidgasaureousrex:
midgasaureousrex Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i can relate. i have the same thing. it sucks to not be able to make myself happy. i'll be fine one minute then the next be so depressed i just want to kill myself right then or just burst into tears.
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:iconreitanna-seishin:
Reitanna-Seishin Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
yup, it's frustrating
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:iconflyqueen:
FlyQueen Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013   Digital Artist
*rips her face off*
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:iconreitanna-seishin:
Reitanna-Seishin Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
????
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:iconpwflover6451:
PWFlover6451 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student Photographer
oh, i never it could be that bad :'(
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:icondidi-dias:
DiDi-dias Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
You're life is so important and precious to not only the people you know, but your Reitannites too! I've always been a kind to anyone who will let me, so it confuses people when such a quiet person has all kinds of friends around them.:XD: I don't think I've ever had normal friends and I love them for that. :blushes: Plus I tend to steer clear of people who seem like they'd just bully me or bring me down, so I can have a frightening cold shoulder too. XD
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:icongirismyinspiration:
GIRismyinspiration Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I totally agree.
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:iconanimaniac07:
animaniac07 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student Digital Artist
;-; i'm so sorry Rei. I mean i don't have anything like that, but i understand what you're feeling. I know that a lot of people say that and normally they don't mean it, but i do. I mean i don't expect you to read this and be all like "Someone who understands" because in reality i probably don't know everything that you feel and what you think at times, but I will try my best to understand and i'll be here for you if you need someone to talk to. I hope that one day things will be better for you, but until that day comes all you can do is pick your head up and carry on. Stand tall and hope for the best. I wish you the best of luck Reitanna
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:iconspectra1234:
Spectra1234 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
Wow :o i'm sorry you have that :c
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:iconstitchmonster:
StitchMonster Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much for writing this. I've never experienced anything like that, but you've helped me to better understand. You may already know this, but you've helped so many people just by writing this and sharing it. You are an amazing person.
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:iconembers-are-left:
Embers-are-left Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I wish I could hug you. I'm sorry, that's all I can say.
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:iconrose-laxzi:
Rose-Laxzi Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
The only real things I could compare... not myself persay, but experiences, are when my elementary school tried to get me on that medication 'Ritalin' {or something similar, as the medication had a rep for stunting a child's mental growth at the age they began to take the drug} because I couldn't sit still or wouldn't concentrate on my classwork. Though what kid would want to sit down and do their work at four or five is beyond me, and much less of adults to expect this of children. I dunno. Thankfully my mom stopped their insistence with the threat of suing them, since what they were doing WAS illegal. Can't assign some doctor me or my mother haven't even met to sign me out prescriptions.

Anyways, this does help to at least understand who you are more fully, it allows us all to have this insight. Thank you Rei for putting out this entry despite the possibility of people trolling it and telling you things that aren't very nice. Even when those people do leave such comments, ignore them and we'll do the same unless they get aggressive or something. We're protective of our Reitanna!

This doesn't change my views on you on being a great person and an amazing artist; we all have something that makes us unique. Manic Depression is something that may be undesirable for all, but I'm going to at least not ignore it or look at you like a dangerous animal or something. You're very amazing, we know that, and I'm glad to at least know you more so now. Thank you so much, and I can only hope that others can feel the same.
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:iconanimespacecadet5:
AnimeSpaceCadet5 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That was very interesting to read. I don't personally know what it's like to be depressed like this, but I think it's good to hear about it from your point of view. Thank you for writing this :)
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:iconardensia:
ardensia Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for posting this. A friend of mine has manic depression. We've tried for about a decade to get her to do something about it, but she always insists she has it under control. It's... very painful to watch her throw herself at trigger points insisting she can handle them when you know she can't, watching her refuse medication because she loves the highs, seeing her use alcohol more and more to self-medicate.

At this point I've had to give up and turn away from her, as harmful as that might be to her. Ten years of this is apparently my limit... and staying around her any more when I'm spread this thin is more likely to end in me snapping and giving her just that little bit of encouragement she needs to finally jump off the edge in the worst way. So... I just have to trust that she'll find help elsewhere.

We rarely speak these days, and never about anything important anymore... but she's still alive, so there's that. And that's enough, because we can't get her to do more, and she has made it clear she would not forgive us for restraining her or shoving pills down her throat.

Thank you for fighting the good fight and being willing to share your fight with others. I hope it helps those in similar situations to yours to take the step to get the help they need.
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:iconexternusarmy:
ExternusArmy Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Filmographer
Maybe you need someone in your life, who feels the same way you do.
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:iconreitanna-seishin:
Reitanna-Seishin Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
my best friend has borderline personality disorder. it's extremely different, but still, it's nice to know that i have someone know what it's like to battle with something as frustrating as a psychological disorder
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:iconexternusarmy:
ExternusArmy Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist Filmographer
Your story is inspirational. :) I know it can be hard, and I hope you stay strong. I used to battle with nightmares and other weird Psycho stuff from my abusive dad. It would terrify me. xD Didn't really understand what those weird horror-spells/nightmares would come from till recently.
I know you'll be less alone. This world has some amazing people.
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:iconinthenameofhate:
InTheNameOfHate Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, I don't really know what to say. I'm so glad that things are better for you now and I applaud you for writing this. I think more awareness should be raised about these sorts of things. And may I say, this was very well written as well.
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:iconmissjeanybean:
MissJeanyBean Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I may not be able to say that I completely understand, but I think I can for the most part sympathize with what you go through. Though I may not have experienced these extremes first hand personally, I know how it feels to feel worthless or feel angry at the whole world. I still feel like that sometimes. I have been bullied before but not on the scale to where it would really matter anymore. Just a shy little girl that was an easy target. But that was years ago.
Anyway. I very much commend you for sharing your personal hardships with us and helping us at least somewhat understand what it's like to be in your shoes. I'm sure it took a lot of courage to post this but I'm glad you did. As far as the bulling is concerned, I hope this at least gets people thinking twice before they say something about someone. I don't believe people understand how hurtful words can be sometimes and that the simplest word or phrase can bring down someones day. Thank you for sharing. [link]
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:iconcapitalofawesome:
capitalofawesome Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Rei, i know what ur going through. My depression got so bad o had to raise my medication to 200.
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:iconirkeninvadermoon:
IrkenInvaderMoon Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013
I still need to talk to them about raising my medicine..... I.. I had another attack a few days ago and cut my leg 13 times and my wrist once. now I have a scar... I should've talked to you before it got worse. I don't know why I didn't.. I'm sorry. I know it's hard for me to go through school coping with this problem and constantly being taunted, if not physically or verbally, with stares and snickers. those hurt just as worse. Ignoring them DOESN'T make it better, you can ignore them all you want they're still going to be there and you can't ignore it your whole life. I don't have a life every teen dreams of. First it's fun, nice and comfortable, then it's a little depressing, then it's a horror story. rinse and repeat. People just don't seem to understand that. yea everybody gets depressed, but just because we have mental illness doesn't give you the right to kick us while we're down. I don't do that to any one. Ever. if anything I help everybody.. At least I try. I know what it's like to want to commit suicide. I don't want anybody to feel like that. Ever. It's the worst feeling in the world. Especially if you fall asleep, pass out, whatever, then wake up with that painful memory. I've thought about it before. Many times. Before therapy I tried to smother myself with pillows several times, I tightly tied a shirt around my neck, I tried to break my own bones, I starved myself, I repeatedly hit my head against objects, as you did, and because of that, and my epilepsy I have short-term memory loss that they don't think will go away. I've ruined my life at a young age.
You are a life saver.
You are a hero.
You are amazing.
You know you are one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me?
I keep wanting to call you Rei-Sempai.
I just do.
I don't know why.
I feel like.. I feel like I was meant to meet you, talk to you.
Every day I look at the Christmas picture you sent me and smile.
I get sad I talk to you. I smile.
I used to and still occasionaly do, cry, hate myself, hurt myself, punish myself, sit in silence, watch the world go by, all while point out the flaws in myself, pull out my hair, and bite my lip 'til it bleeds.
Since I joined dA, you, and being able to post my art are the reasons I joined, I found you looking up ZaDR on Google. I instantly fell in love with your work. Since joining and gaining many loyal friends I have been able to focus on my art and get through, even though I still need more medicine, you (may I call you Rei-Sempai?) have changed my life for the better.
You are the best medicine of them all thank you Reitanna. :heart:

Love, Annabelle, who sees you as a role model and a big sister who will be there through anything.
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:iconreitanna-seishin:
Reitanna-Seishin Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
aw hun, of course you can call me rei-sempai. i'm glad i've been able to help you, and i will be there for you no matter what. trust me, i know what it's like to be afraid to get help, but you'll feel so much better. to feel normal, to feel happy, to be able to function is an absolute relief, especially if you've endured so much pain for so long. self hate is so painful, and people who make you feel worse doesn't help. don't be afraid to come to me, i can help you by suggesting things to do when you get the urge to cut. though, because i can't control it when i lose control, it may be the same for you. just try and keep your chin up, love.
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