i'm gonna be 100% honest, and please, none of you take offense, cause it's got nothing to do with you, nor anyone but me. i've always denied, especially during mania, that i wanted to die. i've told plenty of you, "my mind thinks it want to die." yeah, well, my mind isn't healthy, and i've come to the end of the road recently, unable to lie anymore. towards others, it was denial, because the only time i can truly lie is to myself, i did the same thing when i was diagnosed with MDD. i'm still young, turning 23 in november, but i've gotten old enough to at least admit that this isn't right. yes, ever since i was a child, at LEAST eleven to fifteen years as an estimate, i've been wanting to be "set free." this is the whole reason i wrote entry 10 of DoaSK.
welp, despite having countless numbers of things to live for, there's always been that hole, and even in my right mind, being bouncy, bubbly, and excited like i usually am, it's always there. it's REALLY bad when i can admit these things while stabalized. it's scary. i hope it makes sense when i say, i want to die, but i don't want to want to die.
the good news is, i'm not in any danger. imagine it like a puppy drooping their ears when let down by something. bound by several promises, and reitanna NEVER breaks her promises if she can help it, i resist every urge. i'll simply cry when need be, and i'll hug my rats. i promised them too. i looked both of them in the eyes and said, "i promise i will never leave you." if i made a list of all my reasons to live, it would be long as hell. so WHY the fuck do i STILL feel this way after THIS LONG?? my love for mike, sempai, alexis, ALL OF YOU, is so goddamn huge, i mentally am punching myself saying "why? WHY? stop it! STAHP EET!" i can be happy! i can be silly, encouraging, helpful, and i can just be downright spaztastic! by WHY *hit! head! on! keyboard!* do i still feel this way?!?
this method has worked for me, and it's more harmless than even the rubber band snapping method. whenever i wanna cut myself, and i've tweaked this a bit, i take a red pen/marker and draw butterflies every single place i want to hurt. the concept is, if you cut the butterfly, you kill the butterfly. and i'd NEVER harm a butterfly. also, the butterfly is the symbol we came up for for sempai, so it's like a two in one combo with fries. see? i can still joke! and i don't think it's all "annatier's" fault. i mean, the meds aren't supposed to get rid of emotions, just stabalize them so i don't go ^˅^˅^˅^˅^˅^˅^˅^˅^˅^˅^˅ (whee!) this is why i consider myself insane. at least i know it. all the same, i'm no closer to harming myself than they are closer to making junk food that actually makes you lose weight as fast as regular junk food makes you gain weight. man, wouldn't THAT be nice?
so, my fellow self harmers, try the butterfly thing. i usually like to use pen because you feel the pressure, but you don't actually break skin. and help me, give me advice on how i can somehow suppress these feelings fer realzies? other than suggesting meditation, listing happy things, etc. all the stuff i've really heard before. maybe i should try self brainwashing on THIS subject instead of getting my self to stop pulling out my hair. i think this is a little more important.
sorry for the rant, and please, i hope it didn't make you sad. i mean, i suppose i'm okay, i guess, just a little touched in the head... okay REALLY touched in the head. but that's no surprise to anyone. anyway, iiiiiiiii'm gonna go write porn. oΔo