I was always a fan of the old classic video games like Legend of Zelda, Mario Bros., Sonic the Hedgehog, E.T., and Pokemon. I used to have Pokemon Red and Blue, but my fat friend sat on them when I was little, so they broke. I was very sad.
One Saturday, I went to a garage sale cause I've never been to one. I don't know what compelled me to go... it's like it was calling to me... I was delighted to see a pile of old video games! There were Atari, NES, SNES, and Game Boy games! And to my surprise, I saw a red cartridge!
The sticker was mostly scratched off so that all I could see of the title was "Poke" and "ed," but written in thick black sharpie was "Pokemon Red." I was so happy, I went right to the old guy and asked how much it was. His eyes widened and face went pale. He screamed, "TAKE IT! TAKE IT AND GO AWAY! NEVER RETURN!" And then he had a heart attack and died. I was a little uncomfortable about taking the game for free, but I shrugged it off. Free game!
I dug into my closet and opened an old box and found my Game Boy I conveniently still had. I was excited to relive my childhood and play Red again!
Immediately I knew something was off. There was nothing on the title screen except the title, no sprites or anything. I shrugged it off as a glitch and pressed start. The previous owner already had save data on it, so I decided to see how far they had gotten.
I found myself in Vermillion city. Again, I noticed something was wrong. None of the NPCs were moving, and they had no faces. Also, the music was playing much slower and backwards. I walked to an NPC and spoke to him.
"We didn't know..." he said. "We didn't know..."
I spoke to other NPCs and they said the same thing. I checked my Pokemon and saw I had a Pidgy, Rattata, and Metapod. Pfft, what useless Pokemon! And each one was fainted! So I went to the Poke Center to heal them. However, after the girl took my balls, she said, "Sorry, but we could only revive your METAPOD." When I checked my party, I saw she was right. I tried a few more times, but this time she said, "I can't... it will kill me..."
I decided this must be a hack, but I kept playing. I mean, it was free, so may's well, right? I checked my items to see if I had anything useful, and I only had the "OLD ROD." No potions, Pokeballs, nothing. I went to the Mart and tried to buy stuff, but the dude said, "I don't have anything left..."
Frustrated, I decided I may's well go fishing and try to level up my useless Metapod to evolve it into Butterfree. I knew you could only catch Magikarp with the Old Rod, but it was better than nothing. I didn't want to chance fighting anything else cause I had no potions.
So I extended my rod to fish and caught a Pokemon. Unsurprisingly, I caught a Magikarp. My Metapod only knew "harden" and "tackle..." Useless piece of crap... So I used tackle. It didn't do anything! Then the Magikarp used splash and drained my Metapod half of its life! Splash isn't supposed to cause damage!
No matter what, tackle had no effect on the stupid fish, and eventually made Metapod faint, and I blacked out cause I was out of Pokemon. Back at the Poke Center, the girl said again, "Sorry, but we could only revive your METAPOD." However, after that, she said, "Give up, it's not worth it. It'll drag you to Hell with the rest of us." What? Okay, this was one messed up hack.
I checked Metapod's stats and saw that it was suddenly bleeding from the eyes! And the blood was red, even though the game had no color, and it was almost... hyper realistic! I was so scared, but I kept playing!
I went fishing again, and blood was still pouring from my Metapod's eyes! Now all it knew was "tackle" and "puss out." I had never seen that last move before. I encountered another Magikarp, and I used tackle, but it did nothing! Magikarp used splash and brought Metapod's HP down by half again! All of a sudden, Magikarp turned black with hyper realistic red eyes and huge, sharp teeth. I was really scared now, but for some reason, I couldn't stop playing!
I used puss out, but it said I couldn't escape! Magikarp used "cackle" and it laughed at me with a malicious "ke ke ke ke!" It made Metapod's attack weaken! I tried "run," but I still couldn't escape! Then I was hit with splash again and fainted. Instead of blacking out, I returned to the overworld, but this time, a black fish was following me! It was the Magikarp!
I checked my Pokemon, and next to my Metapod, it said "DEAD." Now I started crying. I wanted to stop, but curiosity got the best of me. I checked my trainer card and saw that my trainer was also crying hyper realistic red blood and looked very distraught! The evil Magikarp stood behind my leg with its disturbing smile.
I walked around as the Magikarp followed me, and each time I passed an NPC, the black fish would attack him or her! It tore them apart, leaving the ground splattered with hyper realistic blood! I was sobbing, wondering why this would happen. I wanted to stop playing, but I kept going. Any smart person may've stopped, but I wanted to know what the fuck was going on.
I went back to the Poke Center and talked to the nurse, but she screamed, "WE'RE DOOMED! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!" And in a flash, the Magikarp killed everyone in the entire center!
"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?" I yelled at the fish. Just then, the evil Magikarp sprite filled my screen.
"You did this," it said, its eyes glowing, but this time, they were ultra realistic! "You did this to me... you didn't care about me... and now you and everyone else will pay..."
"I don't understand!" I cried, but just then, the game shut off. I couldn't turn it back on, not even after changing the batteries. I decided to go to bed.
That night, Magikarp haunted my dreams. First it was normal looking, but it suddenly started to look sad on its stupid, emotionless face. It cried, but its tears were bloody, and then he turned into the evil black fish from the game.
"Why didn't you love me?" it growled, and then rushed at me with a loud scream, and I woke up in a sweat. I remembered... before my fat friend sat on my Pokemon Red cartridge so long ago, I had caught a Magikarp so that I could evolve it into Gyarados. Since it didn't know any attacks, I left it at the daycare to be raised there, and when I got it back, it was at level fifteen and learned tackle. It still wasn't very strong. Then I got the Super Rod after beating Snorlax on Route 12 from the fishing dude in the house, and went fishing with it. I caught a Gyarados almost immediately! So I ditched my Magikarp that I wasted time and money on trying to level the useless thing up and thought nothing of it.
This must've been the vengeful in game spirit of that Magikarp seeking revenge. I was so scared, I didn't want to play the game again... but I did anyway. I picked it up and managed to turn it back on. This time the start screen had evil Magikarp on it and my trainer crying hyper realistic blood. I was so scared. I pressed start and loaded my game.
I was still in Vermillion city, but all of a sudden, the Lavender Town theme started playing! And this wasn't the one we're used to in Red, it was the original Japanese Pokemon Green version! I started to immediately feel sick and dizzy.
It was very dark in the overworld, and all around were bloody corpses of NPCs. The Magikarp was still following me. I decided I wanted to return to Pallet Town, which took me forever cause I couldn't fly. No matter what, the Magikarp would slaughter each NPC I passed, and I didn't encounter any wild Pokemon, not even in tall grass.
The sickening Lavender Town theme continued, even in Pallet Town. I went to see Professor Oak and saw my rival, Blue, standing next to him. Neither of them had faces. I spoke to Blue first.
"I'm sorry..." he said. "I wouldn't have treated you so badly if I knew this would happen... I don't even know why we've been rivals since birth in the first place... maybe it's because you took my pacifier that one time... I'm sorry..." Then Magikarp killed him. I spoke to Oak.
"This is all your fault, Red," he said. "All Pokemon are special, even completely pointless ones like Magikarp. You started this, and now we're all dying. You killed us, Red. I hope you feel super guilty." And Magikarp killed him. I was crying again.
"Magikarp!" I yelled. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" The Lavender Town theme grew louder, even after I tried turning the volume down all the way. I felt nauseous and wanted to throw up as I sobbed.
"It's too late," the fish said. "I'm going to kill you... you're going to suffer...
My sprite walked outside without me even moving him, and the entire ground was dark red. Suddenly, I got into a battle, and it was with one of the Ghosts you see in Pokemon Tower! I tried to run, but it said I couldn't escape! I wanted to turn the game off, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it!
Instead of me sending out a Pokemon, my trainer sprite was face to face with the Ghost, and Red looked so miserable with his bloody tears. The Ghost's face grew more terrifying and it said "GHOST used TEAR! It was super effective!" And the Ghost tore my arm off! "RED lost an arm!" the game said as what was left of my arm spurted hyper realistic blood. I chose run again, and the Ghost let me go.
"Just teasing!" said Magikarp when I was in the overworld, and I was entered into another battle! This time, my trainer was face to face with the White Hand! It was moving, clawing, as if trying to grab me. My head felt like it was going to explode, and I vomited on the floor. I wanted to stop playing! I just couldn't though...
"WHITE HAND used MOLEST!" said the game. "It was super effective!" The White Hand made a swiping motion at my sprite, and suddenly Red went into a fetal position, still bleeding all over the place, but now it appeared as if his anus was bleeding too! "RED has been mentally scarred!" said the game. I was sobbing so hard, it felt as though I had been molested!
Just then, the game said, "WHITE HAND used RETREAT!" and it was replaced by the evil Magikarp.
"Are you still sorry?" it said, its smile even wider than before. "Where's your whore of a Gyarados now, huh? I'll tell you... I ATE IT!!! I ATE YOUR GYARADOS!!"
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" I shrieked. At that point, I knew I should've turned the game off, but I just couldn't! My poor Gyarados! Gyarados in my old Red cartridge that my fat friend sat on! And Magikarp ate it! "You're a monster!" I shouted, accidentally splattering boogers all over my screen.
"I'm not a monster..." said Magikarp. Then all of a sudden, the sprite turned into a hyper realistic Magikarp fish thing and started coming out of my screen, getting bigger until it was the size of my head. I screamed, dropping the Game Boy on the floor, staring at the evil Pokemon hovering in front of me. "I'm a Magikarp, bitch!"
And then it started tearing me apart with its horribly sharp teeth, splattering blood all over my room. Just then, my fat friend kicked the door down and stuck out his hand.
"NOT TODAY, MAGIKARP!" Magikarp stopped attacking me and went for my friend, but my friend had his own Game Boy with a Pokemon Blue cartridge inside! As Magikarp shot forward, he threw the Game Boy at it and Magikarp went through the screen, trapped in a Pokemon game once more. Then my fat friend ripped the Blue cartridge out without turning the Game Boy off, threw it to the floor, and sat on it! It shattered into a million pieces!
I stared at my fat friend as he stood. He reached his hand to help me up, but... Magikarp had torn off my arms and legs, so I couldn't grab his hand. Damn.
"How did you know...?" I asked weakly.
"Let's just say a little bird told me in a dream," he replied. "Well, actually a water serpent... dragon thing... it was Gyarados."
"Destroy the Red cartridge..." I said weakly, and my fat friend took the Red game and sat on it. Then he called an ambulance, and I was saved from death.
So, I'm a quadriplegic now, and my spine was severed so I'm paralyzed from the neck down. I'm missing both eyes and my left ear was torn off, and I'm horrible scarred, but I'm alive. However, Magikarp still haunts me... in my dreams... and in my new Pokemon DVD set when Magikarp shows up in an episode. But it's normal, not evil. But I remember... oh yes, I remember...
I'll never play another Pokemon game again... cause I have no hands...
O_O i wish that game
Guess what Magikarp? I still hate your fishy guts! Oooooh yeah!
I had a good laugh at this, Rei. Nice job.
I had a good laugh at this, Rei. Nice job.
OH EM GEEE,IM SCARED NOW!!!11!!!1 I AHTE U,U RUINED MY CHILDHOOOD!!!!11OENE1!!!!!!! OHGEMHGE I WONT PLAYH POKIMAN!!!!!111OEN1!!! I HOPE YOUR HAPPY!!!221!!
Good thing I rarely use Gyarados or Magikarp anyway. LOL Creep wont eat my arms off! xD
BEST TROLLPASTA EVUUUUR!
This made me so happy!!!!
Well THAT scared the hell out of me.
XD i will never play another Pokémon game again... 'cuz i have no hands.
i love your troll pastas!